How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
