Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
