I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
