im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
