Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All I want is dick and wine.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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