Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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