The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
