I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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