Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
