Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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