I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
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