Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
