He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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