Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My vagina is officially offended.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
