I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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