Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize