Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
