I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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