If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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