I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
