She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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