Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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