He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
