I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
