made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize