I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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