The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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