I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
