He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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