My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
