CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
