Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
