who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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