I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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