quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
