idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
