My liver just broke up with me...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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