I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize