That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
