You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
