i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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