you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
