I just saw a hot homeless man
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
