I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
