So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We're using joints as your birthday candles
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Randomize
