What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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