The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
