i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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