I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
