My friends, they love my intelligence
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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