Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
