i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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