I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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