Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
