Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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