Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
