I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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