Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
