dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
