why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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