i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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