Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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