They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
