I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize