So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
